Where Has the Time Gone?

Whirlwind. That one word describes the last five days of my life.

You know your life is out of balance when the only thing in the cupboard left to eat is a package of saltines. Past time to go to the grocery.

As I think I wrote earlier, I had such good intentions this September as I began my fall schedule. I planned it all out, including my exercise periods. I wasn’t going to let my volunteer work turn into a job. Good luck with that.

I love my ministry work. It helps to feel like I am still useful in the world, that I can make a difference for someone else.

But when you stop making a positive difference for yourself, it is hard to see the difference you make for others. It starts to feel artificial and insufficient. At least it does for me, as I start to feel hollowed out and unable to feel.

A friend noted today that I unentangle myself from one commitment only to pick up another. She has a point.

What to do? Stop doing?

So difficult. I have always been an achievement junkie who lived for accolades. Now I am trying to live for Jesus. Still, I want to win a blue ribbon for it and hear someone say “atta girl.” You know, like when God spoke from heaven and said “This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased.” No grandiosity here.

This somehow doesn’t square with the “Little Way” of Sté. Thérèse of Liseaux or eventually standing before God with empty hands because i have chosen to let Mary do as she will with my deeds, works and merits. Humility is not my greatest character trait.

Still, there has been some “downtime” this week – dinner out to celebrate a friend’s birthday, moments stolen to read Dan Brown’s latest book (Catholic I may be-still, I enjoy the things I learn about art, Europe and the “quirks” of my religion they never taught me in RCIA.) Really must make time to see Barcelona and the Gaudí park – when I am not so busy buying VO5 shampoo and conditioner at the Dollar Tree at 9 pm for women residents in prison for Christmas, perhaps.

Not nearly as romantic, but soul satisfying in its own way.  After all, the brand is “Alberto,” which sounds sort of exotic, right?

Ah, the whirlwind that is my life.  Melania would be so jealous if she knew.


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